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November 9, 2013

The Internet is rife with hucksterism.  Just like everywhere else.  Only more.  And bigger.

Like a mall kiosk guy drunk on a pumpkin-spiced meth latte during the year-end holidays .

The amount of kook-filled email in my spam folder every day is staggering.

It seems pointless, but Internet advertising is like dating.  In prison.

Expect rejection.  Never give up.  Lie.  Cheat.  Use syrup.  Whatever it takes.

Succeed through constantly badgering people until they accidentally click your link.  Or by pretending you’re a Nigerian sultan looking for a prom date.  Whatever works.  Nothing is below you, good advertiser!

We are enured to this barrage of unwanted crap.  However, they can often be too funny or absurd to ignore.

Sometimes you have to stop and smell the bullshit.

Take this great ad promising wonderful insight into home defense for the budget-conscious war zone suburbanite.

It might look like a giant mouse trap, but we’ll never know for sure until we Watch Video!

How about this lovely lass?

Surely, she is going to personally teach you to speak Spanish?  Why else would they use some random, attractive girl’s face to advertising language learning?  She sure is persistent.  She must really love languages.  And learning.  WATCH NOW

Sadly, I took aeons of Spanish when I was still in school and have no need for her services.  C’est-o la vie-0.

Sometimes, they make the pictures move with some kind of Internet magick.  They will even start the moving pictures and blaring noises for you, in case you missed the “play” button.

This one knows how much you want a new Ideatab, so it won’t let that pesky picture you’re trying to look at get in the way.  Banksy would be so proud of them.  ROLL OVER.

Already did, pal.  Already did.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to send my bank information and contact details to a complete stranger because I seem to have won the national lottery.

What ever could go wrong?  I’ll just click this link…


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