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And We’re Off…With a Whirr and Clang

January 3, 2013

I traveled over the recent holidays.  I used to travel a lot for work.  I don’t know how I did it.  I suppose I blocked out the horror of it all.

Air travel, even when it goes smoothly, is a trying experience.

I don’t enjoy standing in queues.  Not at all.

People tend to be….people.  So there’s that.

The airline industry seems to be in the business of providing a never-ending series of disappointments.

  • Welcome, Sir!  We have a delay!  Enjoy your travel experience with An Airline that I won’t mention.
  • Hi! Welcome to the TSA line…otherwise known as the 69th level of hell!  This is where we sniff your nether regions and you try to kiss our ass so we don’t “randomly” single you out YET AGAIN for a more….ahem….personal security service.  Please toss dollars on the stage to show your appreciation!
  • Did we say you will find your luggage at Baggage Claim 2?  We didn’t mean that, but we knew you would figure it out!  There was a whole plane full of you dolts, you would think y’all could find Baggage Claim 4 anyway!
  • We busted up your fancy luggage bag, feller!  Don’t blame us.  Things happen.  Service with a smile!  Or is that a smirk?  At least it wasn’t lost, right?  We didn’t even steal anything this time!  Is there a reason you are not packing any nifty stuff this trip, Sir?  We’re just curious…
  • Don’t forget to pay the fee charging fee we had to charge you for charging you a fee!
  • Hey, you’re back!  And after barely a week!  You must love us!  This love will surely mean you will enjoy another delay, yes?  YES! OR ELSE!

They do try.  Don’t they?  It’s hard to tell.

I have to admit that I bumped myself to the available First Class so I could take the fast pass lane at the TSA bottleneck on the way home.  It was probably a luxury I could have avoided, but I would have had to pay to check my damn bag anyway and it came with edible food and a seat that wouldn’t fuck up my back for two more days.

It’s the new upsell for the airline.  “Pay us $90 and we won’t completely ruin your next three hours.”

Grumpy cat has a job waiting for her at the TSA when she’s ready to branch out.  That’s all I’ll say about that.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. Necromanticore permalink
    January 4, 2013 10:29 AM

    sounds exciting

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