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Everyone’s A Winner

July 26, 2012

Joy of joys, I have qualified for an award.  From a nonexistent company, sure, but with a retail value of nearly $1,300.

That’s nothing to sneeze at.  However, it is something to sneeze on.

Dear Jack-hole,

While I appreciate your attempts to scam people, I do think you are a giant tool.

I am pleased to inform you that I will not be calling by the August 1st deadline.  In future, please use the phrase “You must respond no later than August 1, 2012”.  We generally leave off the “st” when completing the date with the year.  (I am definitely being nit-picky, but since we are being honest here, and we are being honest…aren’t we?)

You have; however, qualified for a snarky, but blissfully free, blog entry award here at The 4th of Nothing.

You almost had me when I saw that you were kind enough to hand-write my address on the envelope.  This is the kind of personal touch that most fake airline companies fail to use.

Additionally, I was most impressed with the photocopied letter-head stationary you used and the well-thought-out fake logo design.  KUDOS!

I did wonder what fake-corporate department saw fit to grant you the VP title.  Perhaps Marketing or Customer Relations.  Or, just maybe, the Fake Airline Scam Snailmail Department.

Sadly, I am forced to deliver this message to you via a very impersonal blog entry.  You forgot to list your direct line underneath your awesomely artistic signature and well-earned Vice Presidential title.  Certainly an oversight.  Probably the same type of oversight the resulted in there being no return address on the envelope.

I would have called the fake award contact line that was listed, but I didn’t want to hang up the line for those truly deserving of such a wonderful award.

I was curious what “certain restrictions” might apply.  I would assume similar restrictions to that of any faux airline awarding phantom prizes.  Such things as “you may not actually go anywhere with this bogus award”.

I do regret that you wasted a very nice looking impaled bull stamp and the $0.45 in postal expense it required to reach me with this wonderful news.  I hope you can recoup that cost when the one person in the world that is foolish enough to fall for this calls you and gives you their Social Security Number, Two Major Credit Card numbers and the naming rights to their first-born great-grandson.  I am sure you are far better versed in the intricacies of scam money making than I, so I will have to assume you have it well in hand.

All the best,

You have lovely handwriting, Jack-hole’s Assistant (I Know Jack-hole is too busy to have posted this herself)

Now that thar is the signature of a real, up-and-coming Executive. Nice and tiny. Not like the hastened scrawl of so many uncaring oafs!

3 Comments leave one →
  1. Necromanticore permalink
    July 27, 2012 8:12 PM

    The “Certain restrictions apply” was a nice touch.

  2. golden3278 permalink
    July 31, 2012 12:06 PM

    Got the same letter with a different signature. Hilarious.

    • July 31, 2012 4:16 PM

      I checked one of those online angry consumer sites and it seems like a widely used scam.

      I would say I can’t blame them for trying, but that would be lying.

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