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OOOOOOOaaaoooooAAHHHHHHoooo…WHAT!?

April 4, 2011

Strange evening.

I fell asleep watching some crappy TV last night.

I was jolted awake by a storm so loud that I was positive there was water in the house.

THE SOUND IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!

I sock-skated around the house in a dazed sort of panic.  Nothing was any more off than normal.

It was way earlier than I would have expected when I jolted awake.  I decided to grab a book and find the bed.  I would settle in to the light and sound show and get a good night’s rest in a bed.

None of that happened.  Sure, I got a book, but I never opened it.  I didn’t really get any sleep either.

I did dream some heinous and bizarre dreams, so obviously I was asleep for some period.  What I mostly recall is anger.

I had mustered up some kind of Dire Heartburn.  There was nothing to be done about this.  Without other options, I did a shot of cider vinegar at some point.  I think that gave me 10 minutes of surcease.  Enough to fall asleep and continue dreams of surfing during a storm, insufferable acquaintances, alien invasion, lots of glass buildings, a dilapidated amusement park, etc.

Dreamland bliss was short.  Foul viscous fluid was attempting egress from my person via all available routes.  I was muttering a mantra of “FUCK THIS.  GOD DAMN IT”

And then the dog.  Don’t forget the dog.  My companion.  What an asshole.  All the other pets in the world cuddle up next to you and make you feel better.  Not mine.  Mine gives you the eye and tells you to sac up.  The day is on.

Whining and harrumphing at me through the bathroom door as I made momentous decisions about my personal situation.  I was shouting “Have some compassion!” at her, but she was unconcerned.  Time to go out.

And out we went.

Into a wet, pre-dawn blur.  I think it was cold, but it felt amazingly unshitty.  Someone took down one of the mulberries.  I suppose a park worker.  I couldn’t imagine why anyone else would do it.  I’m not sure why the park folks would do it either.  Controlling your access to free fruit, probably.

I missed that little thicket all the way home.

Hit the couch.  ESPN blinked into existence…..and my mind snapped.

“F U, MAGIC JOHNSON”

Pure rage.  I just can’t stand these babbling fools.  How can such a small number of polished turds ruin something as simply beautiful as sports.

A question for another day.

What is important to take away here is that I feel better.

The only possible conclusion is that I am maintained by white-hot rage.

That mulberry should grow back.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. Necromanticore permalink
    April 6, 2011 11:26 AM

    That was an amazing story of courage and triumph for a man and his dog.

  2. April 9, 2011 1:59 PM

    Indeed. Now I have heartburn too.

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