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Top Chef: No Just Desserts for Selfish Children Chefs

October 7, 2010

I just watched this for the first time yesterday.  Caught the early episodes in the morning and was compelled to see the new episode.  (Much of the following commentary occurred over two different episodes and I’m not going to bother mentioning which is which.  Mostly because I probably couldn’t do it)

How the hell did a cooking show become such a roiling shit-pile of drama?

How can people act like such utter maroons on national TV?

Two contestants dropped out.  There was crying galore (which is my virtual world alias – look me up).  There was blue cake snubbery.

I knew pastry chefs were a whole different breed, but these kids are off the charts.   It makes MTV’s Real World look like a proper afternoon tea.

Seth Caro is an absolute mental case.  He whined about losing his paper cups, about his sickly mother, about the lack of grapefruit.  He whined when people cheered him on because they are obviously out to get him.  He shouted, he pouted, he made weird faces.  In the kitchen he knocked shit over, woe-is-me’d to the camera about how he was going to lose, he sprinted around like he was  on Amazing Race: Kitchen Edition and he annoyed and agitated everyone in sight.  Seth is the kind of person who, presented with a challenge he doesn’t feel he can succeed at, quits (Can’t do a wedding cake?  Don’t.  Just do whatever you want and cross your arms and pronounce it de-lish!)

How the hell do they find these nincompoops?

Once again, I wonder if TV is ever made for me.  Can a cooking show not just be about cooking?  The competition creates enough tension without off-balance asstards mucking it up further.

Anywho…Seth eventually had a panic attack, the paramedics were dispatched and he left.  Seth, you could have just walked out.  No need for all this BS.

Another chef had a little childish fit because someone else took all the peanut butter.  Naturally, made a face, took all the actual butter and shouted “nyah nyah”.  If both chefs need the PB and chef 1 takes it, chef 2 is unfortunately out of luck.  That is the name of the game in pantry shopping.  However, taking all the butter out of spite seems so unpleasantly infantile that it threatens to push me into a channel change.  Did we not learn to ask nicely to get what we want?  Trust me, it works.  I wish the producers would take charge and make it clear what is acceptable.  In my mind, this would include not having food ownership wars.  Either have enough of everything or draw for order, which would still allow for the mental breakdown of having to change strategy when your ingredient is nabbed ahead of you (see the cocktail challenge).

Chef Malika Ameen bowed out after finding all the drama, tension and competition a little too overwhelming.  I can’t really blame her, she was having a rough time of it.  On the other hand, I hate quitters and she was top of the heap for eye candy on that show, so I’m bitter.  She’s listed as working out of Chicago.  Maybe I should look her up.

One other note.  During a challenge to make cocktails into desserts (that spawned Seth’s grapefruit snit), Elizabeth Falkner declared blue cake (Seth again) a faux pas.  What in the gods’ names is that all about?  They are making desserts with only the ingredients found behind the bar for fuck’s sake.

I hate rules.  I really do.  But not as much as I detest Rule Enforcement Nazis.

Isn’t Top Chef about expression, culinary expansion and new ideas?

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